Hi all :] Thank you for letting me post this. I am lost.Lost in a world with in myself.Looking for answers that i know have no answers. Am i to blame for my situation or is it just one of those things that life throws at us.
My story is not so unusual and not as disturbing as some i have read .But its my story and its me.
I was married for 16 years. My marriage was neither good nor bad. My childrens father never abused me and provided for us well. I spent most of my marriage waiting , waiting for it to get better. Waiting to feel that i was truely loved and valuable. Something that was impossible for my husband and i to do. We never commnicated well or valued each other. But it never was to be. I used to think about leaving . Instead my husband [ex] rang me on my birthday 2001 and told me it was over. He then proceeded to move in with my girlfriend who i suspected of having a long term affair with him. So we split up, have since divorced and i am now a single parent trying to keep my sainity.
I doubt myself. Continually , am i the definition of a *****. Am i a bad . Is it my destiny to be alone. Should i still be asking myself why? Why couldnt i be good enough to be loved? My father & mother divorced when i was an infant . My father has never made contact with me. So i feel very abandoned and unloveable.
I fear the future. Sure i have my autonomy. But i am alone. I am overweight , a blob and fear that i will die alone.
Its been long enough , i feel that i should be feeling impowered that i am my own boss . But in my heart i am alone.
My friend tell me i am intelligent and loveable . So why dont i believe them.
I feel lost. Lost with in me. I have asked my ex why he left. He cant tell me. But i know it wasnt just him. Our marriage had crackes.And eventually it all fell in.
But i cant help feeling that it was all my fautl. That i caused it that i am faulty.