I posted this over at the Self-Injury catagory, y-day morning.
i haven't gotten a reply yet, although i know it was posted just yesterday but my T appt is tommorow morning and i'me hoping to get some feedback b4 i go to see her.

I wanted to open up to myself and ask about something that I never spoken about to my T.
When i was a kid growing up between 6-11 y/o at least, and would make some trouble or i was behaving badly, my parents use to take a leather strap to me and hit me till i bruised to almost welts on my legs. my father would get a small branch off of a tree and whip my legs with it till i screamed with cries. I got hit alot...
my mother mostley just used the leather strap which was in the drawer, and my father also used it also on me. I can't remember if they said they beat me cause they loved me or not?
But later on in life, just a few years ago i began hitting myself hard upon my legs as hard as i could take the pain. I used a wide belt, like the leather strap.
i have also taken a fork several times to scrape and make bleed my skin, only on my legs.
I have never felt loved by anyone my entire life. i have not had a serious relationship with a woman in 20 years now. i blame this on my other depression, social behaviour problems. Why do i hit myself? Am i trying to feel some love from getting hurt like that because of my parents beating me?
I have not strapped myself or used a fork in about a year now.
but I think about it again.
Anyone relate to this why i do this?

I wanted to mention I am now 56 y/o.
and I think I have even started inflicting pain upon myself even longer back..
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