I can understand your anger and resentment towards your early childhood teachers (and administration). The things that some have done are horrific!!

Kindergarten was a nightmare for me. My teacher, Mrs.MacGrath, simply hated me. She was always putting me down, spanking me in front of the classroom (pulling my skirt up & panties down!), and making snide remarks. I was only 5 years old!! I sure as heck remember her though because she my first and worst teacher. Apparently, she had also taught my older sister and brother (who misbehaved?) and she immediately classified me as a "naughty girl".

From there, we moved from school to school every year. There wasn't any consistency or safety. Never really had the opportunity or strength to develop friendships ~ I was an outcast. I stuck out like a sore thumb; and I blushed excessively with any attention from others (what a nightmare! ); I began T very early as well. I don't recall T before I was in 5th grade, but my mom has said that it began in 3rd grade for me.

I have worked with and seen countless T's. Been in and out of mental hospitals as a teen as well as an adult. While I'm not real happy with a lot of the decisions made and behaviors of my parents, I have also simply chosen to remove myself from the family to hold onto my sanity as well as I can. It still isn't easy, but I do get county assistance and I'm disabled. I work as well as I can, which some days go great and others are very difficult.

My point is that you aren't completely stuck in this horrible place you find yourself in right now. Life might not be what we dreamed that it would become (once upon a time) ~ some of us struggle more than others. I don't know why. That's just the way that it is. Right now is a time in your life where you're testing what can/cannot be done. What are your abilities? I know that my abilities are a lot lower when my PTSD is triggered.

Hope that this makes some sense to you & brings a little bit of hope. Hope in that your future isn't simply a life of doom and gloom. It CAN get better. Just try not to give in to dark fantasies, making them occur more often. Talk with someone that you can trust about how you're feeling. The intense loneliness can feel completely overwhelming at times. Try to fill that blank spot within you with something healthy. A healthy release of intense emotion.