Hello. I go by the name "Jin".

I've been having an issue since I was young of being gender confused. I always was into guy things and hanging out with them. Eventually I started to get attracted to them. None of them would go out with me because I wasn't attractive. I tried being more like a girl to get attention, and ended up just wearing a mixture of casual male and female clothes together. It kinda worked.

Eventually it lead to sex. I figured I was okay with it. That was until later when I started thinking more about things...

I dated a girl a bit, and we actually talked about the idea of me getting gender reassignment. I was set on the idea. Then she cheated on me and pretty much ripped my heart out and kicked me while I was down so I never dated a girl ever again.

I fell in love with a guy during hard times. I didn't keep any friends after high school and I was alone all the time isolated in my room quite literally. I wanted someone. Even going to the anime club at the library wasn't helping. There were mostly girls and the guys annoyed me. Finally, a nice guy came in, and I dated him for seven years now.

The problem didn't really become clear until later on. My grandfather died and my grandmother got Alzheimer's, so I didn't feel the need to wear anything "feminine" at all to keep them happy. (Though my idea of feminine was unisex.) Of course, my partner starts complaining because I look more like a guy. He already complained how I act too much like one and look at too many erotic pictures of gay guys.

I decided one day, to cut my really long hair that went down to the very bottom of my back. He cried and threw a fit because I cut my hair. We travel to anime conventions together and I like to dress as anime or video game characters. He tends to ignore me when I dress up because I portray male characters and he says he doesn't want to feel gay and hang around me.

Due to family issues that I can't exactly solve, I live with him. I would live on my own, but I'm on SSI. I tried to work many times but I always got fired from something related to my mental illness. I don't really know why he let me move in... but things got worse. Now he says things about me being only good for sex. He even goes as far to threaten to not feed me if I don't have sex with him. And the reason I don't want to anymore is because moving in meant more sex, and realizing that made me also realize how uncomfortable I was with it. I keep thinking about my gender issues.

I have gotten to the point I don't want to even acknowledge myself as anything but male. To me, there are parts of my body that just don't exist anymore. I deny them. I've come to detest them and I can't even look into a mirror without hatred. Just the thought of them in the slightest makes me uneasy. He can't accept me any way I am, and that isn't real love at all. I really don't know what to do to get away from him. I was confused a long time, but now I realize what I really am and now I'm just stuck in a rotten situation.