(((ToBe))),

I am so sorry that you feel so bad about yourself and lost about life too. I read your about me and what you are discribing is a child that grew up without the right nuturing at all, but instead was just abused. It also sounds like your parents were self absorbed and they obviously had no idea the responsibility of raising a child, unfortunately this happens all too often. Your mother was most likely too imature and ignorant to understand that while you lived with your father you were being hurt.
Your mother may have had "low self esteem" herself and felt she would be unworthy as a mother. Considering the abusive person your father is, well, they ususally pick a passive mate that they can abuse and control. And as far as his girlfriend, she took out her frustrations on you, and I have some experience with that myself, so that is very hard on a child.

You probably do make a good friend because you have "empathy" for others, you can sympathize with them and "listen" and that is what people prize in a friend. As far as you being worthless, well you are still young yet, only 19 and I am sure that you have talents and gifts about you that you have not even tapped into or nurtured in yourself. Sweetheart, you need to learn that just because you grew up around parents that abused and neglected you, doesn't mean you will forever be "worthless" as a person. The experience of being neglected "has" filled you with the ability to empathize with others, and I am sure you care too, and you could use that to help others that are abused and neglected.

What you are discribing now is "very low self esteem" and that is typically what comes out of a situation of poor nurturing. And all your uncertain feelings about your mother most likely come from her just not knowing how to show love and caring herself. You would have to explore your mother's history to understand her better. Our ability to love and nurture has a lot to do with what we learn growing up as well as our opinion of ourselves and what we learn about nurturing children.

So, what you are discribing is a result of pretty much being abandoned. But that doesn't mean you cannot learn how to change your perception of yourself and also how you feel about your future and self worth. You should, if at all possible, seek the help of a therapist that specializes in PTSD as well as childhood abuse victims. You need an adult that can finally give you the attention you need and help you heal and learn to move forward.

It is possible you can use your interests in art and music etc to express "hurting"and "healing". And you could maybe become a therapist yourself and help others that grow up and become confused like yourself. Because, you are not the only one that suffers from a troubled childhood there are many out there confused and lost just like you.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes