I was going to make a thread about something like this, so I'll share my thoughts here. I hope you don't mind.

I can hold down a job, but mostly because I "play the game" around other people. I fake being interested in things and try my best to fake contentedness - I half-smile or partially smile around people. I've given up on thinking anyone will accept me as depressed and know that I just have to fake my way through things. I am a manager, so it's especially hard with a subordinate to "pretend" to care about what's going on with them when I'm tortured. Of course others in the office care about those having physical ailments, so I get jealous of no one caring about me.

The reason I was going to post though is that although I can do the job, I find it hard to really get anything accomplished right now. I'm in such a bad situation that my mind constantly thinks about suicidal ideation once I get ready to work on something. It's now a constant battle where I have to push my thoughts aside, but be too distracted to accomplish the task and then look for distractions to keep from the horrible thoughts.

I'm the only one in my family working and I'm out of sick time, so if I took FMLA, it would be unpaid, so I can't do anything like that - we can't afford rent as it is with me getting my paycheck. It doesn't help that my daughter's going through a lot like this at 12 and our family is in chaos right now.

Sorry if I took over the thread, but I think that part of holding down a job comes from techniques that don't feel good to do, but are effective like pretending. It sucks, but works. Of course you have to be able to do the work, which is becoming my issue - I can't get anything done because of this cycle of thinking.