I think seeing my therapist again has caused me to slip back down into a mini-depression. I feel completely stressed out and anxious about therapy/her despite the fact that I potentially don't have to see her again for a week (or possibly two as I told her I wanted to cancel next weeks appt and she said that was fine but she was still available).

I wish that she hadn't come back. I was doing fine without her but now I have all these emotions related to her to deal with again and I feel overwhelmed and I want them all to disappear. I don't want to go back to spending all my energy keeping them in control/trying to manage them. I want to have some space to feel other emotions about other people/other situations! I don't want to go back to having that incessant urge to be in contact with her...it isn't healthy to feel that way about someone who I can't develop a 'real' relationship with. She says I am just hurting myself by cancelling next weeks appointment but I don't know how else to manage. I don't want to prevent myself from having support and space, but when it comes with a huge pile of pain I can't see how it is worth it.

What I want is to get some space between me and all these feelings again but everywhere I go and everything I do all I feel is a deep pit of pain in my stomach that I can't seem to remedy. I know I am more than just the feelings connecting to my therapist. She is only 1 aspect of my life and although important, I'm genuinely tired of coping with all the big emotions. I am tired of dealing with the urge to self harm that has re-emerged in the last few days. I tell her how I feel and in my head I know she understands but I don't feel she understands so that makes me want to try and show her another way. Which is plain stupid because I only hurt myself further and I don't show her.

I'm sick to death of being down/depressed. I know I am more than this. I want to learn to put my feelings aside and live my life. But pathetically it feels like life and death. It is stupid that now she has come back I am feeling all the pain of her being gone but don't want her anywhere near me.

I am sorry for this post. I don't want to be the person I am. I don't want to want and I don't want to be so conflicted that it stops me being able to make other healthy relationships.