Hi,
I am new here, I found this site while researching borderline personality disorder so I thought I'd join so I can try learn a little more about it and maybe meet some people who are like me too!
I've kind of always known there was something wrong with me. But I've always tried to deny it to myself and convinced myself I was ok, just 'a little crazy' lol. I originally thought that I could be bipolar as I have some of the symptoms but it just never felt quite right so I decided I was going to carry on without going to doctors.

But recently, I have noticed it really is having a terrible impact on my life, relationships, everything so I decided to start researching again. I had noticed that I have different 'modes' and they are very very different from each other and it is extremely confusing for me. In these different modes it's like I am two different people. So I just typed into google one day, I feel like I am 2 different people, and that's how I found info about borderline personality disorder and the more I read about it, the more it sounded just like me! and now I am about 95% sure I have it, but I'm also scared of what it could mean.
I have had a lonnggggg pattern of unstable relationships, friendships, romantic and family. Mainly because 1 minute I think that person is amazing and perfect and wonderful but then they do 1 little thing that contradicts my vision of them and I think that they don't love me enough anymore or get extremely paranoid that they are doing something else to hurt me. I have fears of being abandoned, I've had this belief for a long time that 'everyone always leaves me' and everyone else that is here now will eventually. I've had all the depression, anxiety, chronic feelings of emptiness, that noone seems to understand. The pain can feel so bad it feels like I am grieving for someone close to me who has died.
When I'm in a relationship with someone I have this ideal vision of them where they are perfect until they do that first one little thing that contradicts this, then I feel like that's it, nothings the same, everything is wrong, they don't love me enough etc etc etc. And it can be over the most stupid of things, but to me it feels a HUGE deal.
It's the same with friendships also.
I drink too much alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, but I go through periods where I drink regularly and far too much. I engage in unsafe sex, sometimes in potentially dangerous situations.
I can be extremely sensitive. Sometimes a tiny tiny thing can set me off and I have a kind of breakdown or I have a panic attack. Eg, once when at work a colleague said something to me that I took as a major bash at me and my mind started spiralling out of control, I could feel a panic attack coming on, my thoughts were swirling I couldn't think or breathe and I just ran off the work premises home in this mad horrible state without even telling anyone I was leaving. I could go on forever, sorry for wafffling on so much! But is there anyone here who has borderline personality disorder who could help me understand? I am worried about going to the doctors as when I went asking for more info about bipolar disorder a couple of years ago and they seemed to just think I was wanting to be trendy or something and just diagnosing myself with it just because I was 'a bit sad' but it really isn't the case! I am afraid they won't understand. Anyone who could comment or help I would really appreciate it, thank you.