And here is what you need to come to realize too Rose. Your mother, the one who needs to be loved for what she offers up? Well, the truth is that "she is not truely loved". It is at a point where her "family" that remains around her, they just "use her" and "pretend".

You feel that you have been betrayed by your brother and father? But you haven't because, between you and your mother, they "love" you. But the "control" your mother has keeps them in "her domain". This is the WTF element that you struggle with. Your "mother has the power" but that doesn't mean she is "loved".

And this situation can be in the control of a "narcisistic" father figure. Because there again a wife and mother is often "passive and submissive" and often is raised to be that way. Always remember, we are what we know. So often women who marry "abusive controling men" are first drawn to their appearance of charm and strengh, it could be what they grew up around on some level in their own family situation. This is a deep subconsious thinking pattern and the draw is not always seen for the reality of this "strong outgoing persona" that can actually be "abusive" and controlling.

Also, it takes a lot of "guts" to "love someone". It is very common for people to try to "not love" because if they ever did and got hurt? Well, it really hurts.

Most narcisists are "petrified of love". Many narcisists suffered some very deep abandonment when they were children. So they develope a shield and they don't let themselves "love" anyone. However, they need to be adored and have power and they don't give love, they give "things" that send a message of "who should be adored and respected and have the power".

Someone can love a "fararee" because if it breaks down or is damaged beyond repair, it can be easily replaced. And having one is like saying, "I am somehow important because I have this fararee". The "loyalty" to someone who has power, is not about "loving that person", it is only about how they can somehow provide a connection to,
"being repected or having some kind of standing by association".

This is where I genuinely struggle with my attorney. My attorney doesn't "love" anything other than himself somehow. He absolutely cannot understand what I lost.
I really "LOVED" my horses and ponies and what I did for a living. My attorney "can't see that AT ALL". And all he thinks about is his dam "$800 per hour and he is "not a bad Jew" and "he graduated from such and such Law School and Knows this successful attorney and that rich guy and yada, yada, yada. But he doesn't "love" that is weak and pitful and worthless in his world, unless it has a big dollar value to it.

If I give as a person, then it must mean that I need to be "adored" somehow. If someone is raised by a narcisist, or is one, that is how they will see "me". If I write a long post then I "must need attention somehow or pop out as the most somehow right? Well, what would I be gaining really? A narcisist doesn't do this. When I taught children I was not a drill sargent, I only taught privates and I had a habit of running over if I felt the child was on the brink of gaining, which to me was more about them gaining access to their right to have "self esteem". I didn't "make a lot of money" when I taught, and I didn't pump out students like other trainers did. I never allowed my students to have any "seniority" in my barn. That behavior was frowned upon and instead they were taught to share their knowledge and acquired skills with respect to the other students. And I did have students that were "toss outs" from other barns because they were often picked on by the "more worthy wealthy students and had low self esteem". And yes, they did "try" to show some "pull" in my barn.
They quickly learned that this was not allowed and they were going to be a part of a 'team" and they had no idea how to do that. But it was not long before they grew to love that experience. I didn't make any "money" doing that. Usually the rich child gets picked to believe the "need to gain by mommy and daddy investing the most in the barn". That is the "typical game" and the "trainer profits from that environment".

So, if I really care and think about other people? People don't get that, they really don't, there must be an angle. Funny huh?

Open Eyes