Hi. First of all, I'm sorry for all that you're going through. My heart goes out to you. I have been dx'd with BPD and previously Bipolar. One thing is that the two disorders have overlapping symptoms so a lot of times a BPD person is misdiagnosed as BP. I mention that because it's not unusual for you have seen the BP characteristics along with BPD. My most recent pdoc said I have bpd but possibly bp also.

All of the things you mention are things that are traits of bpd. I have a strong fear of abandonment, which is sometimes triggered by, as you say that "one little thing". Same with the putting people on pedestals and then "hating them" when they've done anything to screw up that perfect image of them. This "black and white" thinking is another trait that you seem to mention that is pointing to bpd. I won't break down everything you've said, as you're already thinking you're 95% sure that you have bpd but I will say it's enough that you should probably get dx'd.

Don't be scared of what it means. The thing is, my life is still pretty much a mess but it's better than it was before the DX. Why? Because being aware of the things behind some of my behaviors, in and of itself has helped me to cope with it and control it somewhat. Of course I still need to get a T to help me more with it, but in short, for me, it's better knowing what it is than to guess and wonder indefinitely.

There are also things they can do. Some people get on meds to balance the BP like characteristics of mood swings, I personally have not done well on meds and am currently not on anything. It can possibly help though, and having a dx will help to get the help you need. There is also a specific therapy known as DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) that is used to treat BPD. I have only heard good things about it but have not done this yet. Something to look into.

Know that you are not alone suffering these things and I, for one, understand what you're going through better than you might think. I am no expert on BPD itself, but since I've had the DX for awhile, I know a little about it We're all here learning and there are tons of understanding people on this site, I hope you get to know us. *hugs*

feel free to pm me if you want to talk or need support