Hi ToBe - welcome to PC

I had a friend once who when i asked 'why me?' he retorted with; 'why not you?' - as harsh as it sounded, he had a point. The universe is sadly indifferent - no one is spared when it comes to the agonies of life. That doesn't mean your pain is unimportant however and as someone who is sadly all to aware of the depths of human suffering i totally understand where your coming from when you say you're exhausted and want a kind of absolution. Ive been hospitalized four times - it made ZERO difference. In fact if anything it just took me out of the situation instead of helping me to work with it to reach a solution. Of course if you become a danger to yourself then being hospitalized is often the only solution but what i think is essential for you right now is a support network - i understand your reluctance to try and get help but if the alternative is staying how you are perhaps going to a doctor and asking their opinion isn't quite so bad? There isn't as much of a taboo around depression anymore - its a chemical imbalance of the brain, it requires treatment just as much as a broken arm and for some medication is the only thing that works. Your doctor might be able to offer you counselling though if this is what you prefer. As for being afraid to cut, i can only say that this is a good thing - ive suffered with an addiction to it for over 5 years and it is a greedy affliction, it will take everything from you. If you feel like you need to self harm go onto that part of the forum and read up on what you can do instead of actually hurting yourself. Perhaps you could confide in one of your friends, if they know you're struggling they may be able to support you better. The last note i want to end on though is this; only we can decide if we want to get better and if we do we must do so for ourselves and ourselves alone. Doctors and friends and family are there to help us along the way but the hard work rests with us. I can only wish you luck, please update us on your situation