Trigger for religious session material (will mark religious part):

T confronted me on the email I sent Tuesday after session. She asked me why, if I felt that way, didn't I bring it up during session. She said she knew I was not happy when I left. I said that what really triggered me was at the end of session and I figured she had another client afterward. I told her that her sudden opposition to being seen as a mother figure was the problem. She said a therapist cannot be a mother figure; that she thinks no one person in anyone's life can be a true mother figure. She said older women could serve as "mentors" in a person's life, but that isn't a cure-all either.

She wondered if her opposition triggered me back to when I wanted to be friends with her. I told her it did not; that was 8 months ago. I said I saw her as a mother figure while in that room. I read the part in The Emotionally Absent Mother (TEAM) to her where a therapist is compared to a good mother. She said all those things are true...about therapists...not mothers. She said mothers are supposed to be much more for their children than any therapist can provide for a client within the bounds of a therapeutic relationship.

T then self-disclosed that her own mother was the coldest and most clinical caregiver she has ever known. She said that she loved some of her mother's friends better; they were demonstrative and loving. Her mother was neither. I asked her if the mother subject is a bit touchy for her. She said in a way, it was, but that she believes she is healed from that wound. She said that unfortunately, part of that healing is realizing that no one can make up for what our mothers didn't give us. Plus she said she had little recourse with her own mom be cause she died when T was 22.

She said that there are so many children who don't get what they need from their parents for a myriad of reasons. She disagrees with TEAM's perspective that a therapist or any other human being can completely heal someone from the emptiness of not having a good mother. She believes that while some healing can occur if another person temporarily fills in, it will not last. The emptiness will come back eventually.

Religious part:
T said that only God can heal us of that emptiness. She called it a God-shaped hole. Only he can fill it. No human can because humans are imperfect creatures and will hurt us in the long-term. She said even while being perfectly aware that God knows better about things than she does, she is very guilty of thinking that she knows better than God sometimes. The amazing thing is when our own plans and ways crumble; God is still there, waiting patiently, and will never say, "I told you so."

I said I wouldn't call her a mother figure. I said, "You're my T and you're a very good T." That embarrassed her; she put her head down, blushed a little, and said, "Thank you." I said, "You are good for me."

T reminded me of some things to do when I start feeling like I did after session Tuesday...not just related to therapy, but with all my relationships.
1. Journal and see if any cognitive distortions exist.
2. Ask the other person if my perceptions are correct using "I" messages and "feeling" statements; i.e. "You said this, and I feel like *this* in regards to it."

At the end of session, I tried to apologize to T for the email. She told me I didn't need to apologize...that I never needed to apologize...because she can take it. I said there was really only one part I wanted to apologize for; where I accused her of seeing me as "just a job". I said I knew that wasn't true. She said that was right, but that it was okay.

To wrap up; apparently "mother figure" is a triggering phrase for T. She was very good related to my thought patterns; she said that she was guilty of the same types of patterns. It wasn't a bad session.

I typed all this out and did not hit submit because I became really upset. I just sobbed for about 30 minutes. I feel a bit better now. I'm telling y'all, I've got to get this "darkness" out of me. Crying=healing in my opinion. T's too. It's all good.