Hi Everyone,
Though I got a good night's sleep today was still really bad. I woke up with the feeling that everything is just too hard. I had the thought that I'm just not sure that I can do this, the day program. It's like all day I had the feeling that I just couldn't see dragging myself to groups several times a week and participating. I say I need help not isolating, and yet I spend so much time in my apartment and shy away from people maybe I'm just not ready for change.
Part of me just wonders if I should suck it up and try and find a job. Just call blind services and the lighthouse (an organization that does job training/ payed internship for the blind) and get started with that. I hadn't wanted to until I was feeling better but really when will that be? But again I just can't imagine myself dragging myself to work day in and day out trying to figure out all the norms and rules there, acting like a normal girl, not wanting to cry or almost crying over every little stressful thing. It's just too exhausting! All I really want to do is just stay in my room and sleep the days away, because it's easier than dealing with life. And I know I can so easily do that living here because the staff just don't care. But that's just not much of a life.
I did finally hear back from a place where I had an intake for a t, and I have an intern I can work with. Finally! I'm hoping to set something up for next Tuesday. At least there's that.
I don't know what to do about this day program. I don't think I can do it, you know, go to groups, set goals with my caseworker apply for medicare all of it. She is planning on coming over tomorrow at quarter of nine to head to the social security office with my letter and photo ID to try and apply. She planned this without double checking with me, since I was sleeping/not wanting to check e-mail or answer the phone most of the day. She told me to leave her a mesage or e-mail if it's not. Which I think I will, just tell her I don't want to, that I'm not in a place to do that right now. Plus I was looking online and realized that you have to pay for medicare. It's like a regular insurance, like I have the money to do that! So who knows?
I had wanted to go to a day program because of the structure, and wht I thought I would get out of it with the different groups, and also to meet and hopefully develop friendships with others going through similar stuff. But again I say I want this but I'm pulling away even more, so maybe I don't. So maybe I'll go for the blind services thing. At least if I even look like I'm going for a job I'll look on the outside better than I'm feeling and people will be proud of me. I just worry, as I have this whole time, about screwing something up/ being able to keep my emotional issues in check at work, handling the pressure of it day in and day out. My only work experience has been internships that last only a few months and then I can move on.
I've been reading this Chickens soup for the teenage soul tough times book or something, I think that's what it's called. There were many many stories so far about teens with various mental illness, eating disorders, Depression, OCD, PTSD, anxiety ETC. The stories always seemed to go like this,"Here's how my illness started. It got worse and worse, and more andmore out of control. I might have even attempted suicide. But then magically I had this moment where I realized I needed to take this into my own hands. And within six months to a year I was completely better!" That's really how it went. Some went to counseling for a time, (no where near as long as any of us on here) or took medication for a time. There was really only one story of someone still being on meds by the end of the story. It's like they get better, and that's it. They're illness it seems is gone and they carry on as normal. Who are these people? Are they for real? What do you all think?
They made me feel even worse about myself and how badly I'm feeling right now. Sorry to go on and on.