I know it feels like everything is falling apart. But it is not your fault. No madder what you feel your son does love you. Dont say sorry for venting to us or at least me, You are going though a hard time and need to get it out or it will eat you from the inside. I know the quietness you describe and it is not conforting, I wish I could do some thing but know I cant. So just remember that you can talk here and you are not alone.