This will be long and kinda rambley. So, I've met with my new T twice. Once was more informal and a couple days ago was an actual appt, though there was still a lot of beginning get-to-know-you kinda stuff. She seems really kind and has a lot of experience and i'm really interested in the bodywork stuff she does, especially since my last T recommended I try somatic experiencing. I'm not sure how honest and open I feel I can be with her though.

With my last T (let's call her K), I had a few group appts with her and was impressed right off the bat and KNEW I wanted to work with her. In the first individual appt (a couple months later), I was able to dive right in and share some really personal stuff. Later in our work, I even shared with her something I hadn't ever told anyone or even admitted to myself that it had happened and she was so wonderful about it. I grew very attached to K, even more than my other long term T (finished with that one when I moved. I'll call her S). I've had quite a few other Ts in the past 5.5 years (somewhere between 5 and 10) who I did not get attached to, including about 3-ish Ts who I worked with for an entire semester or so.

Recently, I've realized that the two Ts I attached to were of similar age (about 10ish yrs older than me) and are women I really admire and look up to. I never had desired them to be my mother or lover or anything, but I they were/are people I would like to be friends with and women I'd like to emulate. Obviously that will never happen, of course.

I remember very little of my work with those other Ts, both the ones I was fairly stable with and the ones I was super depressed with. With S and K, I became quite attached and after a few months, began to contact them between sessions (mostly when in distress). With both, I also had to endure maternity leaves, aka no contact for months, and grieve the loss of the relationship due to me moving/terminating.

Part of me thinks it will be good to have a T who I will NOT get so attached to, as this woman is quite a bit older and not quite someone I'd idealize. She is perfectly nice and seems competent and knowledgeable. Having worked with so many therapists, however, I know I did my best work and grew the most with the therapists I felt that attachment to. Though, there were some times when I needed more space to grow (less frequency). I can't think of hardly anything from therapy the other Ts, except for one very difficult yet enlightening session with a student clinician. I'd rather not get attached and I'll give this new lady a chance, but I'm not sure how I feel about her just yet. I can't picture myself ever contacting her between sessions, but then again it might be best for me to try to deal with things on my own more. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here- mostly getting my thoughts out of my head so I can look at them. Any thoughts from y'all?