I am not even really sure why I am writing. I am just writing, I guess. Its like a blog.

I think I feel down, but not really, Just sort of unsatisfied with the way things are right at the moment and feeling like I am slugging through molasses with everything.

Learning some hard lessons right now. Trying to find my place in the world, wondering if I am shooting too high or too low. Expectations.. are.. well, see thats just it. I dont really know. I sort of feel like I have this skewed idea of exactly where I should be or what I should be going for. People say I have my head in the clouds.

I am a dreamer, I don't think I could ever be anything else. A pantheist, a pagan, an idealist.. part of me wonders if I AM just with my head in the clouds or whether I should follow this path.. but what do we do when the path becomes non specific? When it becomes so filled in with weeds that you can't tell the forest from the trees? And my lawnmower ran away with the weed whacker and now they are in love and making Lawn Whackers..*wry grin*

Thinking back over the past few months, I am happy with most of the decisions I chose to make. Certain ones I felt necessary for the well being of me. And certain ones I felt like I was holding people back that were in my life.. keeping them from something that should be happening and isint because of my space within their life. Is this a noble cause or just plain stupidity on my part? I am not sure. I havent come to a decision about this yet.

Family irritates me. I dunno why. I dont like it when they try to interact with me. Drives me nuts. I dunno, Im just not part of that life and I dont think I ever was or ever will be. Is that ok? Well yes. Albeit a bit lonely...

Relationships are funny things, both friendly and love based. I often wonder is this what I really want only to feel at one moment, that it absolutely is.. and then in another feel like I am derailing on a different path. I know that I need to trust in what is coming - I am obviously in this place and position to learn something. Maybe I shot too high. Maybe I shot too low.

Biological clock is ticking away as well. I am 24 now.. you know, I ain't getting any younger. I remember when I planned to be married and settled by 19. Well that didn't happen, it almost did. I dunno, part of me always felt like Tony wasn't exactly strong enough for me. I need someone who is like a rock. Hell, I am not an easy person to deal with, and I understand this. Half the time, I cannot even understand myself. How can I expect someone else to?

dontknow

Ah, Shoot. I duno. Maybe I am just rambling, but I feel like rambling is better. At least when I ramble my mind is not caught in a steel trap of relentless thought processes that get me nowhere.

I want to write but you know honestly, I can't find it. My painting is dry and without inspiration. I haven't done a peice in photoshop in weeks. I feel like I am getting so distant from it that it will just float away if I dont grasp on to it tightly.

I dunno, I guess this is my ramble for the moment.