didn't your Pdoc explain it to you? Ha, neither did mine at first.

my onset was when I was nine. Depression happened first. Depression and a LOT of anger. This set me apart from all the other kids. As I became the outcast, my depression got worse. It was debilitating. Then I got this, screw the world attitude and it became like it was me against them and I started to feel better. Then it became like a constant adrenaline rush and I started taking off from home and drugs started happening and I was completely out of control. Then adrenaline rush, per say, got so intense that I would go walking around at night in the roads looking for trouble, looking for something new, looking. I would get myself into so much trouble, fights, whatever. I craved new and I craved trouble. Then, as the adrenaline wore off, I would isolate myself as the depression came back. I would be nowhere to be found. I just wanted to die. I even tried it once when I was fifteen. didn't work, stupid kid that thought I could bleed out from cutting my wrists with broken glass. Ended up walking around like bloody zombie after lol.

The depression would fade a little and I could start to function. Start to get back into school and things would improve a little, then I would either fall back into a depression, or the adrenaline feeling would start again. Sometimes I would hyperfocus on school work. impress the hell out of everyone, including myself. But it would get too intense and I would get the rage again. anger, rage. ugh. my performance would never last, and I would be too embarrassed to continue going to the classes I just did so good in.

Then the depression would come again.
Then the other.

As a young adult... I would inject methamphetamines as a lifestyle. daily. Did that for four years straight. After I got arrested and put through our 'drug court' program.. I graduated that and lived a life of indifference. I would stay angry. Bitter. F the world attitude. I had no regard for personal safety and I could not care less about myself.

Then I fell in love with a girl. I suddenly cared about everything again. But it was like I was just a kid again on the inside, not an adult. I tried for 12 years to control what was happening with me for her. We have two kids together and every episode I tried and tried and broke my heart when I would become someone else. I broke my heart a hundred times cuz of this.

Now I am not a different person. I don't isolate in depression and I don't rage with adrenaline. But I would without my meds so please take them seriously.

Sorry for the long answer... but to me that is what Bipolar Disorder is.