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Hey guys,
I think I am coming down off the mania and it's killing me.
For the past month or so I have been getting increasingly "happier". I feel I talk slightly faster than I normally talk, staying up late of not all night, ignoring my routines and structure..... and the biggie I have stopped my medication cold turkey. I thought I was fine and everything was fine. Until Tuesday. I was out with a friend from my MH group and we were speaking a lot so many things to talk about so little time.... we were cramming a lot in the short space of time. Anyways I left her at about 1pm ish. By 4pm I received a called from the Manager of my MH Group wanting to talk? Apparently Alison (my friend) was very concerned about me and called Emma (the manager) To begin with I was pissed off as I was fine right? Then we got speaking about hat's been going on.
I told Emma, I do not belive I have Bipolar anymore. Hence stopping medication. She know's me pretty well and she was asking me about self harming and suicide but nah I am fine honest. Since Tuesday I have been a wreck full of paranoia and anxieties as everyone knows I am off my meds now..... Emma would of told my Support Worker Jackie. On Tuesday afternoon before I came home I bumped into friends. I texted 1 of them and asked her opinion and she says I was noticeabley hyper. She thought it was cause I haven't slept in a while?
Emma told me she would call my CPN as they have to inform our MH Team. Grrrrr!!! I see him next Wednesday so I will be in for a grilling from him. He will want me back on meds and to be honest I don't know if I really want to. As much as I am paying for no meds at the moment pretty unwell physically.
Today I saw Jackie instead of going to Tai Chi as I think I needed that 1:1 more. I am glad I went. She told me I was pretty anxious. She wanted me to open up. But as usual I can't damn emotions. I do not do the whole crying in front of people if I can help it. Near the end of our time together she you tube a relaxation video and we did it together. Afterwards she said she can see I am more relaxed and I seem calmer. We spoke about why I didn't want the meds and why I do not believe I have Bipolar. She said maybe I need to ask about new meds if I think these do not work or if I do decide to come off my mes then I need to let CPN know as support should be in place for me so I don't end up "ill" (hate that word).
I have came home and slept but I am drained. Feel like I have a hangover- I wish! Oh forgot to mention I have been paranoid like properly scared out my skin and I have been hearing things. I have been talking to myself a lot more too..... my friend asked if I was seeing people/hearing voices but I don't. I pretend people are in my room and I talk to them like have a full blown conversation with them?
I thought I could handle this, I thought no-one notices me when I don't take my meds, I have been told from Jackie my Support Worker it is very noticeable in me and she can not figure out how my parents haven't questioned me. I guess I am able to hide it from them? Jackie can read people really well though I can't hide anything from her. Which sometimes I hate as I don't like admitting when I need them, have not took meds etc. Emma asked if it was a control thing regarding my meds and sleep.... I guess you could look it like that.
Emma says to call, text if I need to chat.... I don't like doing that as other people need them more than me, they are short staffed too 1 man down in the office and I always think their jobs are hard enough without me calling, texting them (dpesn't feel right?)
I really could do with someone speaking to me
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