Maybe you should read the "so why do you stay on meds" thread
I've seen your struggles on here for a while now and think you do really have BP and that the right meds could really help you. I think a big problem is that you haven't found the combination of meds that works for you. This can take time and you have to give the meds time to work and sometimes try lots of different meds. I also think that structure especially around sleep is important and will really help moderate your cycles.

Just some unsolicited advice from someone whose been in this for a long time...