I have childhood friends on FB. I saw that one of them has an old neighbour on their friends list. Someone who was an adult where I lived when I was a child. We lived in he same place as neighbours all my childhood. Infact she still lives there. So I sent a friend request. It got rejected. The pain that went through my body was unbearable, I could feel all my defence cloggs spinning. I was swinging from feelings of shame & worthlessness to hatred for her.

It made me feel all the feelings I felt as a child of ugliness all over again. But this time I had proof, this woman had obviously disliked me and the shame I felt about this new knowledge.

But whilst this inner battle was raging there was this voice of reason kicking in telling me I am not responsible for how others feel towards me, that who I am isn't dependent on someone else's validation. That if an adult as she was judged me the neglected child negatively then is this someone I need in my life. I felt myself running around inside weighing up the positive & negatives about myself. I'm not saying I am fully ok with this right now, but it hasn't completely overtaken me with no hope of recovering from this knock back. But growing in the background of my mind is the tiny seed of self compassion for the child I was. Being abused did make me at times a "wild child". I have to take my inner child's side on this. I tink this is what feels hopeful this time around.