I have stopped, erased and re-started writing this post all evening. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of the need to ask for advice about something as petty as this but I need support because I'm scared and overwhelmed and I would really like someone to talk to.

My therapist has been on holiday for 3 weeks and I will be seeing her again next week. I'm scared. I can't talk to anyone irl about this because they won't understand why I am scared...heck I don't know why I am scared of seeing her again. I want to see her but desperately don't want to at the same time.

All of this I would normally freak out about on my own behind the scenes and then suck up and deal with as best I could. I am often scared of going to therapy especially after a break as I feel it makes me seem so needy to allow her to go away and then when she comes back allow her straight back into my life - especially as I have to go knocking on her door to be seen etc....but those feelings of shame for wanting someone are ones I have to deal with and are an inter-twining yet seperate issue.

This time there are all those feeling plus extra stress to deal with relating to my family and that is really making it feel extra overwhelming. There is going to be a lot of emotions around the start of next week, there are already too many, so I know that although a part of me will want to see my therapist in order to hide in her from it all, in reality I know I'm not going to connect with her in 50 mins after 3+ weeks so I will likely just create more difficult emotions to contend with.

Plus, and I know this shouldn't influence me, but I don't know anyone irl that goes to therapy except me and so I don't ever talk about it really. So with my family around next week they will see me leave to go to therapy and I don't think I can deal with the shame of inside having a huge range of emotions towards seeing my therapist and having to cover it up because it won't be something they will understand. They won't understand/remember that it is a big deal for me because they will be under a lot of upset/stress themselves (understandably) and I won't tell them (my fault but it is hard) but that will mean I can't hide but have to be seen. And that is stressful!

Does any of this post make sense?! I feel as though I am saying too much!

Basically I'm wondering if it would be wise to postpone seeing my therapist till later in the week so I can focus on the family situation because I am scared of taking on too much. My therapist suggested I email another therapist at the centre if I needed someone to talk to whilst she was away but I haven't because I just get so embarrassed about all of my feelings. They seem so silly and pathetic and I can cope with them even if I mentally have a bit of a behind the scenes convulsion! Plus I'm not sure if I can ask her for advice about this, I'm not sure on the 'rules' for emailing her and I wouldn't want to say something and have her thinking 'what the heck does she think I can do/say to help?!'. And then have her telling my therapist about it and/or seeing her later on when I don't feel the way I do right now.

If you haven't already realised - I am anxious!