I was diagnosed with severe depression a couple of months ago although I think I was probably suffering from depression for a good year or so before I actually went to the doctor. It just got to the point that I couldn't stop crying. Now I'm taking Celexa and Remeron (had already been taking Topomax for nerve damage in my leg) and I'm back to functioning like I always have. Or so it seems to most who think they know me.

Honestly though I'm just a very good actress, I think. I go to work. I smile and make nice....and can't wait until I can get home to be alone again. Its all such a very great effort having to speak to people. Even smiling at strangers is an effort. It never used to be. My doctor asked me if it makes me anxious or if I feel panicky around people and I don't...its not that. It's just an effort. Everything is such a great effort.

I'm at this point that I do what I do because it is necessary. I used to take pleasure in preparing meals and the taste of food. Now I rarely cook and eat only because it is nessesary.

I took joy in many simple things and find myself searching for that feeling now in vain. I look at the new pink blossoms of the plum trees outside my house and as beautiful as they are...they don't bring me the joy they once did. Nothing does. Trying so hard to feel it and not being able to makes me sadder.

For many years, I told people that how one felt was a choice one made. You felt how you wanted to feel. If you chose to be miserable, you would be. Same with happiness. I know now that I was wrong. You don't always have that choice.

This depression too, as awful as it is, has also become comfortable in some ways. I know that's not healthy. And I'm not sure if I can explain it quite right but I feel as if I can hide myself away in it. And isn't that silly? I don't have anything to hide from.

What is worse is is that I don't even have any reason to be depressed at this stage of my life. I had lots of great reasons at other times in my life but now things are looking up. Life is good. The future is bright and all that jazz. So why?? Why now??