Trying to fight off them thoughts again. Only this time I'm home alone for the whole weekend. And I regret missing my planned "last day" I set for myself two years ago.

Been watching people playing with their children outside my bedroom window. They looked very happy.. colorful clothing, joyful voices and laughter bursts. For me it was like watching an animated cartoon. A fairy tale. Someone else's dream. I'm used to this sort of feelings. The only thing on my mind is "I don't belong here". I'm incompatible with all this mess.. can't live like this and I DON'T WANT TO! No fighting for whatever imaginary abstract ideas and emotional patterns everybody "wants" to develop. There is no such thing as "happiness" in my world. I don't feel anything like it. Can't remember last time I did. Lost something 30 years ago? NOT going to look for it.

It just hurts, okay?