Ok,

I have been saying all along how much this lawsuit is challenging me. I have talked about how all those depositions my attorney forgot last year even when I told him how much I was suffering, how it was such a challenge to me, he still forgot. It was HELL! last year. And I "really" struggle with even handling all the files that are all the damages and expenses incurred of my very loved animals.

I know that this process I have been in (5 years now) is actually "cruel" and should not be allowed to continue putting me in a place where I have to "continue to be in this trama". And I know this event and the way I am being required to still keep all the details "ready for at any time I could get called to finish my deposition". I have said all along, "something is different in my brain, I can feel it". I have also been very confused about "why the front of my brain gets a tickling sensation and then just seems to just shut down when I try to handle the paperwork".

I know people have probably read that struggle and thought, "Oh just do it and stop whinning already". And I have had that sentiment presented to me by family as well.
It has been so frustrating to try to explain how hard it is and even feel so guilty myself for not being able to "JUST DO IT".

Well, I have been trying so hard to talk about how "I CAN FEEL IT AND IT IS SOOOO HARD FOR ME" and I feel like it is "INHUMANE" to put someone through this and expect them to go on and on and on and remember, remember, remember like this.

OK, IT HURT ME, IT HURT ME, IT WAS AWFUL, IT WAS SO SAD, IT WAS TOOOO MUCH, AND MY NEIGHBOR KEPT TAUNTING ME AND MY ATTORNEY WOULD NOT LISTEN. I KEPT SAYING HOW HARD IT WAS AND "NO ONE LISTENED" and even were mean to me. And I have been trying to understand why I can't seem to ride anymore or I just "AVOID" SO MUCH. I don't want it to be that way and GOD KNOWS I have been trying very hard to find my way to somehow "healing".

Well, here is what happens in the brain of someone who is suffering from PTSD. And I feel it and have kept saying all along how hard I am trying and to PLEASE GET THIS LEGAL ACTION OVER WITH AND STOP MAKING IT GO ON AND ON.

Yes, I believe in the pasticity of the brain and that we "can heal" and find ways to manage the changes that have taken place in our brains as the result of trama.
But I also know that "progress "cant" be made if someone is constantly asked to relive the trama and made to feel that they are threatened by not gaining the recovery of the losses etc. For all intense purposes, anyone can read up on the "game" played in a lawsuit by the opposing side, especially if it is an insurance company. Yes in the deposition, they are nice and friendly to get you comfortable before they start to present questions to catch you offguard somehow or find a way to discredit you etc. And the plan is well known, make the plaintiff wait as long as possible so they give up and settle for peanuts. Yeah, well it is "LEGAL ABUSE".

http://healmyptsd.com/education/ptsd-the-brain is information on what happens in the brain of someone who has PTSD.

I am trying very hard to heal, I really am but having to keep reliving this keeps pushing me backwards, I CAN FEEL IT. I have been trying very hard to sort through all this damage and it has been very painful. I don't sleep, I am full of anxiety and emotions, I have terrible dreams and yet I have to keep trying to run my business too? And everything I make goes to feeding and caring for damaged animals and to make payments on the bills that come in every other week incurred by addressing the injured with veterinarians. This has been one hell of a challenge, and no "I CAN'T JUST", I honestly wish I could.

Last December I nursed a pony that just never recovered after she coliced from the stress of that dam dog chasing around her at night. Her intestines never fully recovered and I had no money to take her to the hospital, to help her, it was awful to see those big brown eyes looking at me, wanting me to fix her, help her and I couldn't afford it. And I had to finally "euthanize" her after 10 days of trying everything I could. It was awful. Why? because I use up all my income on the dam bills that should have NEVER BEEN MINE.

Yeah, I complain to my attorney and he replies, "Oh, if you don't trust me than just fire me and he knows full well that no one will take my case seeing that he is entitled to 1/3 already. He doesn't want to "care about his mistakes or his age". And if I gave him this information you know what he would say? "well if it is too much for you than drop the case" and what would he think? "Oh good she just gave me information so if she trys to complain to the board about me I can just say she is crazy or forgetful or overemotional".