From a very, very young age, my mom always pounded in me "you don't share your personal problems with anybody". Over the years, I have become a master of that. I almost never talk to anyone about anything that I'm feeling, particularily stuff related to the BPD, and I'm fairly good at hiding my most extreme emotions most of the time. I wait until I'm alone in the bedroom or in the car and I yell and cry and talk to myself and I keep a journal which becomes extensive when things are rough. This not talking extends to my husband and my family. I worked really hard to talk to my husband about it, but he basically pooh-poohed the whole idea that I had an issue. Needless to say, it's almost impossible for me to open up again. The main reason I'm having such extensive abandonment issues now is because it was the first time that I opened up to anyone in many, many years and the sense of loss and betrayal is beyond words. Needless to say, I can write better than I can talk, particularily since I don't actually know any of you, but I'm scared that some of those feelings will eventually come out here as well since I'm talking openly and "spilling the beans".
Of all the people I know, I believe my mother-in-law has the most open mind and if anyone can understand, she can, but I'm terrified of talking. Anyone else feel this way? Anyone have any suggestions at all? I know that my issues will only be overcomed with the help of therapy, and I'm hoping that will come soon, but between the move and current lack of money and insurance, it has to wait. Also, does anyone know of any way to find local BPD support groups? Right now, you guys ARE my support group and knowing others are fighting the same issues has helped immensely, but in the end, it's not going to be enough. Please help of you can. Been feeling more alone than usual due to the move. I need your support.