I think everybody feels the same way when they're first diagnosed. I know I did. Sometimes I still wonder what life would have been like if I'd known I was bipolar many years ago (I was dx'd at age 53); maybe I wouldn't have have made the mistakes that I did or suffered so many self-inflicted wounds.

But then, knowing how I tended to rebel against everything, I probably wouldn't have stayed on my meds or been regular about seeing my pdoc, with predictably disastrous results. And even with BP, I've had a pretty good life after all---I'm relatively successful in my career, have a wonderful family and a home I love, and am blessed with many good friends. I've still got a lot to learn about this disorder and how to cope with it in the long term; there's still some med adjustments ahead and other treatment options to explore so that I can live my best life with my illness.

You can too. Don't waste time in regrets about the past; you cannot change what's over, only where you go from here. Just know that you're not alone in this---there are many of us here at PC who share your struggles, and you're in good company with a host of creative and intelligent people, many of whom have made their mark in the arts and sciences. Welcome!