I know it's hard and I can't give any true advice. All I can do is assure you that you are NOT alone. Everyone on this forum feel different versions of the same thing. I've been struggling my entire life with self-loathing, isolation, constantly changing emotions, major depression and anxiety and messed up relationships due to my intense fear of abandonment. One thing this forum has done for me is make me aware that I'm not alone and that in itself has helped. I hope it helps you as well.