Totally different reason to rant today. Instead of being moved to tears about being alone and all the issues I have around that I just feel kind of resigned to a dull, uneventful and unsuccessful life.
I don't see much of a future for me (and that isn't a mention of suicidal thoughts, it is an explanation of how I a feeling right now which is no where near that). What I mean by no future is I have no drive to go after a career that is either one I would enjoy or one that is financially successful. I don't see me finding someone to share my life or having a family of my mom, I more see myself as a sidebar to my immediate family or now my brother's new family. I am the one to take care of the parents in their old age, to babysit my niece and kind of just be there for others rather than living my life for myself.
This is a tricky area, because I like to be needed and actually am thrilled about becoming a Aunt but it almost feels like that is the role I am stuck in or taken for granted for. I don't see any big milestones in my life to strive for, celebrate or look forward to, just endless days of working and uneventful weekends. Even traveling doesn't seem as appealing as it used to be, because with no one to really share it with it kind of puts a damper on the whole idea. I feel like my achievements peaked in college but after that path ended I was left kind of hanging in the middle of nowhere. Not knowing what my next step was or what I would want it to be or lacking any motivation to figure it all out, let alone begin to follow a different or new path.
For some reason, all of this isn't really making me feel depressed, instead it is more of a realization, all-be-it a sad and pathetic one, but it is almost comforting (even if twisted) resignation.