i realized alcohol had control over me, i didn't have control over it.
BUT first i dragged that knowledge around with me and kept drinking. i woke up each morning with D.T.'s. i couldn't hold a glass to drink. i filled up my glass with ice, then straight scotch. then i had to sip enough scotch thru a straw until i got enough in me to stop shaking. i passed out each night. i drank every waking moment.
one day i TOTALLY lost the will to live. i saw no other way out of my addiction. i didn't want to live another day drunk yet i couldn't live unless i was drunk. i had tried to stop drinking before-rehabs, etc. but as soon as i got home after "graduating" from rehab i made myself a drink... INSANITY....and continued drinking. i "learned" i had about 6 good months drinking before i needed to return to rehab to sober up. i did this cycle for about 3 years/had good insurance. one time the rehab doc said i didn't have elevated liver enzymes surprisingly since my alcohol level was .24 and i weighed 95 lbs. when i went in. i recall thinking i came in too early this time to "dry out"..darn...INSANITY.
on the day i wanted to take my life i must've had that moment of sanity they talk about. drunk i called my T. i told him i wanted to die, sobbing, hysterical, out of my mind. i don't recall what all i said but he kept me on the phone until my housemate came home/3 hours later. he asked me if i wanted to go again to get help. amazingly i said yes. i decided to try to give sobriety a go one last time. if i screwed up i was done. i had my backup plan. i was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. i was worn completely out. i was spiritually bankrupt. i had lost who i was. i had no clue. my mind was helpless and hopeless, empty. i felt like i was in a black hole. i just wanted the emotional and physical pain to stop. i was so desperate. i had no hope of recovery yet i said i'd go to get help again. well it wasn't rehab i requested. i asked to be put in the psych ward. he arranged it. my friend drove me there and my T was waiting. after starting to feel somewhat better-30 days in-i told my T please don't let me go home cause i know i will drink. i stayed another 34 days there.
i was terrified to be let out. finally in desperation i got on my knees and prayed and asked for the obsession to be lifted IF there was anything/anyone "listening". i went to bed afterwards. the next morning i had this tiny, tiny feeling of hope. that feeling grew those last 34 days in there but i was still scared to death. but what miracle happened that night i prayed!!!?? it was none of my doing to have hope.
that is the story in brief of my last day drunk 23 years ago and what happened that opened the door to my sobriety. i take no credit except to say i showed up for life. the rest was a miracle.