Before anyone responds here, I need to make myself clear:

I am not about to hurt anyone, I know what this is about.

I am dealing with strong emotions and need to identify with others struggling with the similar issues.

so before you read on, all I need is identification, not advice or counseling.

This is about my emotion regulation issues.

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I talk about it.

I try to hold control.

But when things happen, I lose it.

Not being violent or really hurting anyone, but sometimes it's verbal, often it's just angry hateful thoughts in my head and I want to yell and stomp and bang on things.

I feel like one big tantrum.

I know where it comes from. I was abused.

It's a big ball of grief.

But I get so scared of it's power over me.

today I missed the bus cause I had to sit in the shade on a very hot hot day (anothe heat wave again) and it was running 5 mins late.

I hollered.

I hate my anger.

It's totally out of proportion with the present day stuff. That should have only mildly annoyed me.

I am a ball of rage.

Billi