I've struggled with sobriety since 2006. What first made me want to stop was I was literally sick of the way I was living and knew I couldn't keep it up. I'd start shaking at about 4 pm, and all I could think of on the drive home was that drink. I'd pour that first drink at 5 pm before I changed out of my work clothes. I'd need both hands to hold the glass, due to the shaking until I'd downed my first 4-6 oz. I wouldn't eat, I'd just drink until I passed out. Then I'd wake up around 2-3 am needing another drink and then again between 5 & 6 am to stop the shakes, so I'd go to work drunk, hope nobody would notice, fake functioning until noon, when I'd eat a huge greasy meal. No way to live I needed to put the brakes on - that's when I went into my first rehab. But I didn't stay sober very long after my first rehab, and lost that job, went on a very dangerous drinking binge and landed in the hospital and was in for 4 days detoxing. While I was lieing in the ER, hearing them talking about the chronic alcoholic in room 3, and saying I'd probably stroke out or have a heart attack, I realized I didn't want to die like this. Hooked up to a bunch of machines, alone, nobody knowing where I was. That got me into my second rehab. After each relapse, I'd start over with sobriety feeling horrible, saying I didn't want to live like this with the blackouts, the injuries, the crashed cars, the withdrawal and I'd accumulate some sober time. But I kept relapsing, because I liked being numbed out and not feeling more than I liked being sober.

This time I'm 5 1/2 months sober, and I really hope it sticks. I'm tired of killing myself slowly. Thanks to drinking, I lost my apartment, had to sell a bunch of my stuff, went bankrupt. I was lucky to get into a subsidized sober living place for women with mental health / addiction issues. And this time I'm sobser because I want to live. I want to get back to work. I want to rebuild my life. I want to keep writing, and playing my music. I can't do anything I want if I drink, so one day at a time, I'm choosing not to drink.

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