No, I'm not living your life, but I've fought with depression, bipolar, psychosis, suicide, and SI since I was 12 years old. I know the lies of these things. I do hear you, Setso, and I"m telling you exactly what you don't want to hear.

At 12 years old I wanted to die. I thought my life was meaningless and worhtless, so I put a loaded gun to my head and pulled the trigger. It jammed. At 15 I took a half of bottle of pills and my automatically vomited them back up. At 24 I tried to hang myself in the basement because I was in a crap relationship and I thought death was the only way out. And SI. Bruises, scars, pain, self-loathing, beat the crap out of myself for being a worthless piece of crap... Oh yeah, I know all those things, Setso. I know them very well.

If your treatment isn't working you need different treatment.

And you can't be sent away forever to live in a facility. That doesn't happen any more unless you commit some type of crime. But going to a short in-treatment is probably a good idea.

Look at this forum! All of us are living with bipolar everyday and we are here because we say "I am not giving up today." Healing has to start with you. Before the meds, before the pdoc, before T... it has to start in you. Just the fact you posted means you have something of a fight left in you. Even if it is just a speck of dust. One ember can start a forest fire.