I have an appointment about... 13 hours from now to discuss letters of recommendation with one of my previous professors. The following day, I have an appointment to meet with a different professor at one of the places I'm looking at for graduate school to pursue mental health counseling.

I feel like everything is falling apart. I'm so scared, and I've arrived at the realization that I have no idea what I want.

This coming Friday, I also have a job interview for a position as a mobile therapist on a crisis response team. I'm going to go to the interview, but the more I think about it, the less I think I'd be able to do the job. I was talking to my T about it, and he talked about the times that he had called the crisis organization with previous clients of his, and discussed with me the type of work that was involved. He also added that a lot of the people he had gone to school with that had been studying to be therapists were also on crisis response teams.

I'm sure it's hard to imagine being able to do the work in looking at it from the outside, and it's hard to imagine my potential future as someone who would be possibly providing that same level of care to other people. When I was talking to my therapist earlier today, for a few seconds I imagined what it would be like if I was the therapist and he was the client. I realized that I felt really... bored. As in, like, am I a compassionate enough person to be able to sit here and be genuinely invested and interested in what these other people are experiencing? I don't know. I wish I would have discussed all of this with him when I was actually there, but it wasn't on my mind at the time.

The thing is, I haven't even started this process. I haven't seen or been to the universities I'm trying to get into. I understand that if I genuinely don't like it, I don't have to do it. I'm trying to keep my mind in the present, but at the same time, I can't stop crying. I feel like my world is collapsing all around me. I feel sick.