Welcome back! It's good to see you around again! I've been coming fairly irregularly lately, so sorry my response is coming so late!

I did make it through your whole post, and it sounds like things have been very, very difficult. I don't really have any advice for you in regards to a sexual relationship with your husband. You were hurt for so long, those feelings and emotions, responses and actions have been so ingrained in you... it's going to take a long time for it to come back. I think you should feel confident about the progress you are making, though, in beginning to hold his hand again. I don't think you should discount that. Maybe you could continue to try to bring you both closer. Have romantic date nights together, but definitely make sure that sex will more than likely not be on the menu for that night. Start sitting closer while watching TV, a little bit closer each night until you can comfortably cuddle. Since your husband has made so many changes, would he be willing to see a couples therapist with you to work on this issue? You could try to pose it as "I'd like you to come see a T with me so we can work on my issue with intimacy." I realize it's not really your issue, and your's alone, especially since he had a hand in creating it in the first place, but maybe saying it like that will help him see the benefit for him to go to T with you and not put him on the defensive.

I guess the first thing you really need to think about, though, is whether or not you want to be sexual with him again. Is it something you want eventually, but not yet? Or is it something you truly don't want ever again? If it's the second, then perhaps separating and focusing just on friendship and co-parenting is the appropriate route for you, instead of trying to force something that isn't what you want or need, which will just end up frustrating and upsetting you both.

I hope some of what I said was helpful. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice. I do feel for you and wish I could offer more support, but your situation is so unlike any I've been in myself, that I can only try to imagine the pain you've gone through, and I"m sure I"m not doing it justice. Please be gentle with yourself, especially in regards to all your loss (my deepest condolences), and how far you've come in taking care of yourself and putting yourself first. These are important successes for you, and you need to take pride in them and yourself.

Best wishes, and welcome back!