For literally as long as I can remember I have felt like I wasn't meant to exist. Through my life I have met nothing but reassurances that I am not meant to exist. As a child I never felt secure. My parents divorced when I was two and I was bullied in school. I had one friend who would emotionally abuse me and I was so desperate for companionship that I put up with it.
For the first time in my life I have people who actually call themselves my friends and tell me that they love me and care about me. But after a recent trip to Europe I realized that these "friends" were really just carelessly throwing words around in hopes of maintaining "friendship" with me in order to gain social status (I'm pretty, stylish, and charismatic). I came back to America incredibly depressed by what seems to be a new reminder that I shouldn't exist. I just feel like the way I view the world and the way I view friendship is so much different from these people. The only time I really feel comfortable is when I'm alone. When I'm around people for too long I have these bizarrely intense feelings of loneliness and I have to leave and be by myself at which point I generally cry for a while.
I just I just feel very nervous about like my place in the world, if that makes sense? I have tried talking to multiple therapists and psychologists about this but they just don't really seem to understand what I'm saying.