(((billie))),

I think the advice you got where some "professional" told you that there was no way to help you was someone who didn't know what they were talking about. I understand you to have PTSD and BPD, those often go hand in hand if the PTSD goes back to childhood. But if someone is BPD, it doesn't mean that person is not treatable. What it does mean however is that the treatment "takes time" and a "therpist has to be very patient and understanding".

I get very angry myself, and can throw a fit or two as well. I understand how hard it can be as well when "rage" enters into the picture. I noticed that I can get "snappy" and I can have anger build up in me and not really know where to put it.

Anger is "energy" and it is important to try to provide yourself with an outlet to utilize the "energy" that anger presents. I had all kinds of ways I did that, unknowingly one I can think of is how "clean" my house used to be. Ugh, I was so angry with my husband and how he challenged me with his drinking and denial, I just cleaned and cleaned, and a pdoc might have called it OCD, but it wasn't that at all, it was "anger".

You don't want a friend? Ok, I can understand that, friends are a lot of work and it is hard to find someone that can be "trusted" especially if someone has been CSA.

PTSD and anger, well, I find that "anger" can just pop out and sometimes all I can do is recognize it "after" it happens. But the important thing to understand Billi, is that you "recognize" it and you are also noticing how it is not so easy to control, me too.
But I work at it Billi, I work and understanding the anger "trigger" in myself and "why" it is there. I have even addressed it in PC, I would be triggered and try to put up with it and get hit again until finally it came to a point where I just could not control the anger, ofcourse that did not turn out to be a "supportive" post so that situation was "deleted". But that "can" happen if someone with PTSD gets "triggered enough" and that person has not worked on "controling" the anger that "pops up" and can be blinding.

This is where therapy is a plus or to have a "very understanding" person who might trigger me/you so I/you can exude the anger and then calm down and "pay attention to how it happened".

Now I totally understand not having a T due to not having the funds to do so, I have been in that position myself, and it was at a time where I truely needed one. And for a few months all I had was PC because I could not find a T that specialized in treating PTSD that I could "try" to afford. I finally did find one and too bad you are not in my neck of the woods because he also treats BPD and feels that it is "very treatable" and just gets a "bad reputation". I don't have it myself, but I met someone in PC that had it so I asked about it in therapy.

Anyway, the first part of "learning to control the emotions that present with PTSD" are to notice them and "observe" what happens when it happens. That is something you are actually doing right now. But what you "dont realize" is that you can slowly "learn" to change that lack of control. You have to "trace" it back to what is the cause, and there is always a cause. I know I have mine and it does involve me being surpressed in early childhood, but also at other times in my life. It is a "control" thing Billi, and that is also why you are not so fond of "friends" either. But that part can change with time, but not until you spend time "tracing" the "whys" to your own "triggers" and that includes "anger".

It isn't easy to deal with anger in PTSD. Often the anger Pops first without even being "aware" it is coming on. So I can relate to your frustration. At least you are doing some "venting" here in the abuse forum, that is good because you need to vent, trace outloud where that comes from and "get validated for feeling these strong feelings".

As hard as it may seem billi, struggling with PTSD doesn't have to mean you have to "accept" triggers as "who you are now or how you will always be". You only need to "learn" your way past it. We are discovering that we can overcome a lot, "if" we are heard, and taught how.

You are making progress in that you are "aware" that anger is a challenge for you. But it doesn't have to "remain" that way. You have to find ways to release, and also resolve. And also not to turn it inward because you cannot seem to find resolve, that is common and not healthy either.

I see you in the forums, if you can't afford a T, which is really what you need, a good T that is not "intimidated" by BPD, you have to do a lot of research on your own as well as at least keep reaching out in the forums. Just remember though, the members here are "not" Ts, we all just share what we learn in therapy and how we manage our own issues and concerns.

Open Eyes