So I am a female. Mid 20s.

I have this problem for many years now. I have a lot of issues (trust, relationship, depression and other) but what I think is a huge problem for overcoming the other problems is my problem with sex. I think I could help myself overcome trust issues and other if I was able to have any kind of relationship with the opposite sex.

My problem is: I don't mind sex, I just can't have sex with another person. I don't know why. I'm scared and I get anxious and I freak out when it comes to intimacy. It feel violent, it feel wrong, it feels like I'm doing something against my wishes, like being violated.

I just can't relax and enjoy it. I can't overcome this with random sex, but it is the most important thing for men. If someone likes me and expects a normal relationship how can I even put him in a position where he would have to wait for me or even help me with this (and it may take year!)? And from my experience men will say anything (incl. sure I'll wait) and still will hope and any possibility will be forcing you into it (which only makes me worst)

The other things is there are so many girls out there, how can I expect someone to choose me with this problem when it is not normal for someone my age?

So I remember having this problem and this really intense FEAR since I probably was ready sexually (beginning of puberty). I'm having this problem for about maybe 13 years now and haven't managed to help myself. Because I was so scared of it, for the first half of those years I would deny myself that I want/need relationship . I would scare men with my behaviour so they don't approach me and therefor I will not be in the position where we get to intimacy and I freak out. Later I tried to change this but things got worst with every try for a relationship. And I always freak out, pretending not to doesn't help.

I'm not even sure why do I want to fix myself. Is it because I've never had any kind of relationship or is it because I think it is not normal. All I know is - it is really bugging me. How can I approach men with knowing I'm not capable of normal sexual relationship, or how can I help myself by my own?

If anyone can relate or help, give advice or guidance how can I help myself I would really appreciate it.

Thank you for reading.
in.neverland