I am happy to report I had a great session today . I have been having a hard time lately. I have been really falling apart between sessions because I haven't learned how to self soothe, something T has me working on this week. I'm so attached to him and when I don't hear from him right away I have been thinking the worst, and afraid of losing him. The more attached I feel the more I have been needing to check and make sure he's still there or feel connected, by calling, emailing, and texting.

T and I talked about how I didn't get the things that I needed as a child, so attaching to him has intensified those unmet needs. He may have said it differently. I am kind of still bursting right now. He said I talked more and seemed more comfortable which was my goal, I wasn't sure if I was at the time, but he's right I did feel more at ease and even got and expressed some frustration with him at one point, which must mean that I am feeling more comfortable.

Gosh I hope this isn't all over the place and makes little bit of sense. After my major freak out on Friday morning when I cried on the phone with him for almost and hour I asked for a transitional object. He said he would think about and we would talk in our session.

Then I couldn't reach him over the weekend because his phone is messed up and I was texting and I got really self destructive on Saturday. He contacted me on Monday and explained about his phone and I asked about it again and he said we would talk.

Well we talked about in our session I didn't think he would give me one. I had asked for a softie that smelled like him....hope you guys don't think that's creepy! Anyway he explained that when he was little he was fortunate enough to have those early physical needs met.

He explained that as we grow and mature our parents let go a little bit and the need is filled in a different way, and then our needs and the people who fill them for us as we grow continue to change until we are healthy adults. I hope I am getting this right. He said that those things stay with us and he thought about the ways in which they have stayed with him. He said for him he thinks they have stayed as voices that he will always have and can look back on for strength. It was really beautiful and touching the way he said it. I cry a lot so I was trying to not be such a baby today.

Anyway the transitional object he gave me was his voice! He said now you may hate this because it's not what you asked for...he couldn't have given me anything more perfect. I still don't know what to think. I always tell him that I just want to call him to hear his voice because I love it and now I have it with me right now and forever! It's the most incredible, thoughtful, and loving thing anyone has ever done for me. I can't even comprehend how much I love him. I'm pretty sure he loves me too !

Oh and I am giving myself extra credit for even having the ability to talk today. He was looking so incredibly sexy my head started to hurt from all the tension.

The best part about all of this was how much more grounded and present I was with my kids this evening. I was actually not freaking our or thinking about T obsessively like I normally do after session. I think the whole thing made me feel a little secure...? Idk. I do know that I was so tuned into my son he said he said he felt like his head was going to explode because he felt so happy enjoying our quality time so much!