Hi,
Sorry if this is long.

So, I just joined this forum today. I've also discovered recently that I have BPD (teamed up with alcoholism, depression, panic and anxiety). I am currently in recovery for my alcoholism and have been for awhile. I am taking antidepressants to combat my anxiety and depression.

I've taken endless courses on psychology in college (including a whole class devoted to personality!) My very supportive partner has worked as a mental health care worker and clinician for years. I can honestly say that I really don't know much about this disorder, other than it has a bad 'rep'/ stigma.

Once and awhile I'd listen to my partner talk about her experiences objectively about people in her personal life who have BPD. I always thought 'wow, borderlines are really crazy, glad I'm not one of those'. They apparently perseverated, were in constant crisis, were suicidal and attention seeking. This was the limit of my knowledge (and with a lot of education to back it, too!).

I thought the root of all my problems stemmed from early childhood trauma and thus self-medicated with alcohol. So I got myself into a recovery program and have been sober ever since. I thought my anger, self-pity and hatred, feelings of 'aloneness' would resolve itself. More problems started to come up in my interpersonal relationships. I would constantly feel underappreciated despite praise and approval at work and with friends. I would get angry very easily at what healthy people would call 'trivial things'. I would fear that my partner would leave me, that no one loved me, that I would always be alone. I would feel left out from but when asked to be part of, would become defiant and have to alienate to preserve my sense of 'autonomy'. I would be very untrusting, never letting anyone in, yet crave intimacy. Well, my experienced partner started to mention that I was showing traits of a person with borderline. This would make it worse and I would become defensive and angry, paranoid even. There was no way I was one of those 'crazy' people.

I believe I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am indeed not crazy, just ill. lol! And I can say that it is a relief. I'm writing this for advice and identification (can you relate to these things?). Feel free to quote me on the parts which you can relate to.

This is what I feel and experience:
I can rationalize and intellectualize, but I feel I have NO control over my emotions. I have a giant 'emptiness' inside of me, no amount of love (despite my illusions) from others has been able to fill it. I put myself down a LOT "wow you're just a major screw-up", "you're unlovable", "you're worthless", etc. I suffer from 'derealization' in which 'I am not really here.' I constantly think that people think the worst of me, if they are going to do something good for themselves they hate me, I will be left out, I will be forgotten. God forbid, I will be alone. Thus I become needy, craving constant approval, affection and reassurance that this is not the case. Which in turn will cause more problems. I'm terrified I will be abandoned!

I'm 'all-or-nothing' , for example if someone is mad at me, I will withdraw and isolate completely and obsess about it, I can't just 'get over it'. I will then perseverate until they 'forgive me'. I get angry easily, the anger is the worst because it becomes displaced. I lash out (not physically) but verbally at myself, I will raise my voice and have a tantrum like a 2 year old when I'm frustrated. 'Sorry' has become a meaningless word in my vocabulary when it comes to apologizing to others for acting like a little kid. 'Blame' is a good one: it's always someone doing something TO ME! (I really never wanted to be a victim yet find myself in this thought paradigm)

I want to be part of something, but always feel just 'outside' of it, always 'not good enough' , rejected, left out. I get anxious in social situations, I want to be accepted, I will sometimes (which I'm getting better at recognizing) sacrifice my values for approval. I get depressed and no one understands. I am not suicidal, nor have really experienced too much in that realm, but I have in the past injured myself with alcohol and substance abuse. I am extremely sensitive to criticism and fear it, even if it is done in a loving way, I feel that I'm being attacked, I in turn become defensive and angry. I'm fairly highly functional, I have days where I am filled with regret and shame and feel like a total loser. Other days I feel 'normal'.

I could probably go on and on. But do you feel these things?
I know that more information is helpful for me and my recovery. What are you doing for treatment and recovery? Do you have advice? Experiences of your own to share?
THank you very much for reading and responding.