Wednesday is my last session with my t at the office where she's worked for 20 years. Then, she's away for a week, so I have to miss a session. After that, i start seeing her at her new location, which is much farther away.

I've been trying to find out for awhile now whether she can get on my insurance, and can't seem to find out anything for certain. I finally called the insurance company myself last week and told them that my last session ws coming up. . .and i needed to know if they OK'd her to be a preferred provider through her private practice, rather than the hospital where she works.

The person I talked to at the insurance company told me she WAS listed as preferred, but he said she was listed at some address that is incorrect. It is not her old location, or her new one. I was hoping that maybe they had processed her paperwork and approved her, but just got the address down wrong.

However, when I told my t about it, she said it didn't make sense. Apparently, she sent in her paperwork, requesting to stay a preferred provider. Then they sent her something back saying they didn't need any more preferred providers. So she wrote them back, telling them she's not a new preferred provider -- she has already been a preferred provider for years through the hospital where she works. So she asked again if they would approve her to continue as preferred provider in her individual practice. No word. She has called 2 or 3 times, and either the person she needs to speak to is out of the office, or she leaves a message and doesn't get a call back.

I can't stand not knowing what to expect anymore. . . I emailed her today, telling her how uneasy I am about all this. Told her i was using my coping skills and praying. And she replied "Good for you for using your coping skills." But I'm still a wreck!

I'm not ready for these changes, especially if it means I have to reduce my sessions to every other week. I don't want to do it. . .

I know i should be glad that at least I don't have to terminate, like many of her patients have probably been doing this week and last. But the change, the transition, the not knowing and feeling like I might have 50% less support is scary and hurts.

I know i could find a new t near my home that i could see every week and stay at my current copay of $25 per week. But i don't think i could leave my t and make that transition.

I'm just so nervous. . .

Adding to this is that my h just found out he has a heart valve defect and an enlarged aorta that the doctor says could burst as an aortic aneurysm if it is not taken care of. This is added to what he already has: post heart attack, rapid cycling bipolar, 50% kidney function, asthma, possibly precancerous MGUS, a disease that causes his vertebrate to fuse, degenerating disks in his neck, blown out disk in his low back, and bad osteoarthritis in his mid-back. He is in pain constantly and talks all the time about wanting to just pass away in his sleep. He is tired of suffering every day. He DOES NOT want heart surgery. He wants DNR (do not resuscitate) tatooed on his chest.

Sometimes, between his problems and mine (Complex PTSD, GAD, and post-Clinical Depression), I don't know how we manage to go on. He says he simply "cannot handle" another diagnosis.

I need to cry on somebody's shoulder. I'm feeling really alone.