Sway: I am now living SO free. I did not think it was even possible for me to do that. I literally thought my life would be so filled with misery that I could not bear it.
(I knew I was a survivor though, so I knew I would have to bear it. )

From the time I was an adolescent, through many decades of adulthood, I felt as if I needed a SO in my life in order to function, to have direction, to have a reflection of who I should be, so that I could look at that reflection and try to become the person my SO wanted me to be.

I really thought there would be no "me" if there was not someone outside of me to define who I was.

My closest friends kept telling me that I had all the skills and abilities to function on my own, but I refused to believe them. With my last SO, I was more of a caretaker/ mother figure than a wife. That is because that is what he needed, was to be re-parented. He had lots of "Mommy issues", but that is beside the point. Anyway, my friends helped me to see that by being in a relationship with him, I was proving that not only could I take care of myself, but I cold take care of everything in the household and another person and myself. I did finally see they were right, but I still did not leave.

I believed in the dream of what the relationship could be and ignored the reality of what it was. I wanted that dream so much. Even so, there came a time when it was evident that the dream would never happen. My SO and I were at an impasse. The relationship deteriorated from there.

I know what it is like to be in a relationship that you want to work. I have been in the situation where I know it isn't going to work, yet I refuse (or can't) give up on it.

Let me encourage you.

I am now on my own, for the first time in my life. Guess what? I LIKE it this way! I don't always know what to do or what direction to go in, because I do not have that mirror in my SOs eyes telling me which way to act or think or be, but I am safer now. I have more ability to decide who I am and what I want. That is new to me.

It is odd to be this old and not know who you are, but better late than never.

I am not saying what I have experienced will be your experience. You know your life and your marriage. I do not. Even so, I encourage you to come out of it, when you are ready. you may find, like I did, that it is better being alone (as scary as that sounds) than being with someone who isn't healthy for you.

When you are ready, you can do this.

If I can help in anyway, feel free to message me or whatever.