I was seeing my family doctor once a week and he did increase the Celexa and add Remeron at different intervals. During one of the visits, he said that there were also other avenues we could look at and mentioned that that some people are hospitalized. I told him that that is not an option for me. His mention of this scared me badly.

The following week when I saw him I told him that the medication seemed to be working. And I do think it was but possibly not as much as I led him to believe at the time. I do have control over the crying now.

We will be moving in July. Maybe, by then, I will have found some way to ask for the kind of support I need from my husband. All I really want from him are words. He tells me actions speak louder than words. His actions do show me that he loves me but his words seem contradictory. He seems to note all the negative things about me and is so very stingy with compliments of any kind yet he will do anything for me. He rubs my feet when they are sore, he brings me coffee, so many little things he does shows me that he loves me.

But I just need so badly to know what it is he loves about me because I'm finding so little to love about myself.

But I've asked and he doesn't know what to say to me. He says he is trying to be supportive by giving me advice - "Do housework. Go for a walk. Be busy." He wouldn't be comfortable talking about this. In his view, talking about it wouldn't solve anything. I'm pretty sure he does think this is my problem as I've reassured him from the beginning that this wasn't about him.

No one would ever suspect I was depressed. Outwardly, I am the same just a little quieter. I do feel confused a lot of the time. Thoughts seem to get away from me.

It frustrates me that I have so many things that I want to be doing and I should be thinking about on one hand and yet on the other hand I force myself to do them and think about them. How can I both want to do those things and not want to do them at the same time?

Edited to say: I cannot believe how long it took me to write this all down.