I am really having a lot of feelings about what my T has given me. We have talked about how I do try to let my H and others know what I need, but that I feel empty when I have to first ask and then get exactly what I want in exactly the way I asked for it.

It feels inauthentic when this happens. It feels like I am not important enough to whomever for them to see what I need and then spontaneously try to meet it. I do this for people. I try to anticipate what they need. What my T did, by not giving me exactly the thing I asked for, was show me that he really cared enough to consider this. He didn't want this to be empty for me. I would have been easy to just do exactly what I asked, but I can tell he took the time to really think about what it is I was really asking for and as a result the gesture is filled with meaning and love.

I have been really tempted to email him and explain this, but I have stopped to ask myself why. One reason is that I want him to feel good about it. I haven't because I feel like it would be regression to keep going back for more when I got what I needed. He doesn't have to fulfill ALL of my needs. I'm looking for feedback and insight, but I see that there are other places for me to get that. So here I am. I am seeing how I feel like I should be meeting ALL the needs of the people around me and in turn I have that expectation of them. That's not possible or realistic and I'm not sure yet why I feel so responsible for others.

All of the feelings I am having aren't positive. I cried this morning because I started thinking about how different my life may have been if I had gotten the things I needed as a child. My father completely rejected me while adoring my sister. I look at her and think she has accomplished much more than me and wonder if part of her being able to do that was because of what she got that I didn't. I'm jealous.

I have also been thinking about how I feel about my T. What was so attractive about him yesterday was how confident and sexy he seemed. He's VGL. Sigh, its distracting. He's calm and together and in control of how he feels. It was exciting, distracting, and made me feel like crap. Why? I think because seeing his confidence makes me more aware of my own lack of confidence and I feel jealous of him too. I want to feel like that. I realize that the more of his confidence I see the more fearful I become that I just can't measure up or ever be good enough for him. I have felt this way in intimate relationships with others. What is confusing is that I'm not sure how much of that is me being negative and feeling worthless because of what I didn't get from my father and how much is the affect of how some of those people abused me.

I guess what I have to do is let that go and just start from trying to see my value right now, instead of trying to assign well twenty percent was me and eighty percent was them...?

I also have shame for not getting those things that I needed as a child. I am afraid people can see it when they look at me. It's hard not to feel like I didn't get it because I wasn't worthy of it. when I was thinking about how lucky my T is for having received those things and I spent time thinking about it, I felt really inferior. I feel deficient in comparison to others.

There is a lot more. I think there was probably some emotional risk involved with what he did. Maybe not, I'm not sure why I think that. I'm starting to see how much he really does care. He has been really telling me that he does think about me when we are out of the room. He says that I challenge him in ways that others don't and make him really think and look at things and that makes me feel incredibly good and somewhat equal. I know he really cares because he carefully considers these things and how his actions are going to affect me. I know he cares because he wants to affect me in the most positive way he can. I feel different. I feel good not absolutely needing to go to him with all of this.

This is such a mixed bag right now.

Does any of this make sense to anyone else?