Hi all. I'm new to this forum, and I don't think I will be using it much, so I'll just do a short presentation in this thread before I move over to my question.

Guess this may be triggering to some, please be aware.

I'm a female, 28 years old. I have been struggling with depression more or less since early teens. Some times depressed, some times just in a flat mood, sometimes feeling good about myself and life but with some bearable issues.

I have been close to seeking help a few times, but been to afraid to do so, feeling to evil to deserve help and also that my problems really wasn't that big.

Especially the last to years have been really good for me. I have had a close relationship to my SO for five years, I have achieved some goals in life, renovating our house, taking up some physical activity, and I have gradually got more and more energy and I have felt more joy in life.

In April, I found out that my SO had been cheating on me with a woman several times during the weekend (I found out the same week) and my bubble bursted. He was lying about it but I found out more and more after putting pressure on him. He wanted to continue our relationship and claimed he love me deeply. I wanted to try to continue as well, but since he have been the one I turn to for talking about personal stuff, and I could not do this now because of the situation, and I don't have anyone else I trust, we decided I should seek help with a psychologist.

I got an appointment with an older woman. In the first session, she said she is controversial, but very good at her work and highly respected as a specialist in psychotherapy. We talked about my life, about my childhood, my school and work situation and I told her about a SU attempt in my teens. I liked her immediately. She seemed firm, but emphatic.

The second session I decided to tell her about a horrible thing I did in my past. She didn't reject me, but she said she needed to feel in her stomach what the information did to her. I was glad she didn't throw me out of the office, and i guess she acted as expected in the situation, I don't think any sane person would not have felt uncomfortable about it.

Third and last session. We started talking about my relationship issue with SO. I told her that I rationally could see why he had sex with the other women - since I have had sex with her myself, with his explicit consent, and that we had an agreement that I could have sex with other women, but if he was to, I would have to bee there and take part of it. T seemed completely shocked, and asked me if I am lesbian, something I'm not, I just think it's exciting. I don't exactly remember everything that was said after that. But I told her that we was going to couple therapy the next day, and she was completely against it, and said we should fix this on our own. We got into the subject BDSM, and I told her I was a masochist. She told me that I can't have children (I told her the first session I don't want children, ever), that we wasn't suitable as parents with our sexlife. She said she wasn't sure how to handle this, and kept talking about a famous sex therapist in the country, and that she had to feel what this did to her and her emotions. She was angry, and I felt little, but could't do anything but laugh at her, as I felt the situation absurd. She said that she felt I wasn't willing to talk about my masochism (I really don't, since I don't feel I have an issue with it). I told her I have had this feelings since I was a kid, and that its just a part of who I am. She then asked if the horrible thing I did in my teens didn't matter to me after all, and I was just shocked and could't say anything. She said I had used the other woman, that I don't have boundaries and kept telling me what a horrible person I am. The session went ten minutes over time, and when I walked out I felt destroyed. She was going on vacation for six weeks, and I felt that this was really my last session with her. In our written contract it says that I can cancel the therapy basically whenever I wan't, but she can not. She told me in the first session that she will never one day say that this is the last session. But during this last session she said that she didn't knew if she was able to work with me, that she was not a sex therapist.

I strongly felt she wanted to get rid of me. The following weeks I was in a sort of chaos of thoughts. I wanted to kill myself, and it felt kind of I was one of Franz Kafka's main characters, it felt really, really dark.

When the time of the next session got closer, I was sure I didn't want to go back. Some days after the session was supposed to take place, I received a letter from her, also sent to my main doctor, where she wrote this (among some other things): "last session here she was not ready to put the crisis with SO and the depression in connection with her ​​previous life, and her way of being. She got an session today where we were to problematize this further."

So I wonder. Is this something normal to do in therapy? Was she playing angry? Was it some kind of technique she was using, or am I right in thinking it was her way to get rid of me?

I can see that she is right in many of the things she said to me, and I can definitively understand she don't want to work with me.

I'm sorry this became a long text, and I'm grateful for your time and help!

Best