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Originally Posted by My kids are cool
Psychicbaby, what you say makes SO much sense to me. I have a similar issue with seeing my T's confidence and caring as incredibly sexy, and that same sense that I will never be good enough for him (all while knowing that it doesn't really matter if I'm good enough for him because I will never GET him in that sense anyway, but caring desperately despite knowing that). You are doing a great job working through this. Valuing what he is able to give you while knowing that he cannot meet all your needs is a good and valuable thing.
I understand the shame also, both about not having people willing to meet your needs both in the past and the present. That feeling that if you were good enough or worthy, there would have been, would be people who adored you and just WANTED to meet your needs without you having to beg is incredibly familiar to me as well. You are doing great work in confronting it and addressing it.
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Thanks for this ((((((MKAC)))))! This is all a lot to take in and process. I want so desperately to get it "right". I am always questioning rather or not my feelings and insights are really real and if I am seeing things the way I want to or the way they really are.
While I am grateful that you understand this I am also sorry that you have felt that way too.
I really appreciate knowing that i am not alone in having these complex and confusing emotions. It sucks to always question my worth and understand just exactly why it is I'm not getting the things I seem to really eagerly want to give.
As I write this I am suddenly hit with a need to look at what my motives are for being so eager to give and give and give.
This is getting pretty big now. I think I need to pace myself with this. I'm feeling like I need to figure it all right now even though I know that I don't. This is where I would normally start freaking out and sending email after email to T, but I think I'm going to try to soothe myself while my daughter naps and maybe come back to it when I feel more grounded.