((((Billie)))),

Ok, I understand that too. I had some bad experiences with some T's and I had gotten to a point where I felt I was wasting my time.

However, I just remembered what my T had told me about "his" opinion of BPD, he didn't agree with the way it was labeled as I mentioned, and he felt that patients were experiencing more PTSD symptoms and that it is more important to treat that
other than thinking of a patient the way many psychologists view BPD.

So if you get to a point where you want to consider a T again, you should think about finding a T that treates PTSD and don't even mention the BPD. From what I have observed and read in your threads and vents/questions etc, a lot of the symptoms you are discribing are typical of someone with a history of abuse and neglect as a child.
Even how you feel that PC is helping you? Well, you are discovering that you are not alone in your struggle and you are getting validated for your anger/sadness/desire to distance/ lack of trust/frustration etc.

"I am busting my behind trying to beat this." quote billie

Yes, I see you trying, and I am doing the same and PC does help with the fact that it brings together people who struggle and offer support.

If I can share what "I" have learned thus far here and with my Therapist? I would say that the "healing" with PTSD is up and down and not a steady climb. So it is important to "recognize" your gains even when you hit a patch where you feel like you fell hard somehow from some kind of trigger. When that happens it doesnt mean you are not gaining ground in your efforts billie, important to remember that.

In your time here you are discovering that people who struggle with PTSD all feel that "no one will understand them" or "no one will realize the work it is to overcome the aniexty or anger or other strong emotions that bubble up and present a tremdous challenge" if people understood me they would stop saying "just" knowing that to say so is ignorant and even very offensive.

To desire to "beat" PTSD and continue to make gains, it is better to think about "growing past PTSD" instead.

My T was on vacation for a couple of weeks and during that time I had some things take place that really "stirred up" the old feelings of being hurt/betrayed/misunderstood/ and trapped. And I got disappointed in myself too because I didn't have the "quick solutions" nor did I seem to be able to "use the coping skills I had somehow gained" either. And part of me was getting angry and also "afraid" that the IRL challenges going on in my life were challenging me so much that my brain was just being "hurt more" somehow.

Well, finally I got back in front of my T and he validated the fact that the challenges I am facing are truely "challenges" and are not fair to me and the fact that I am genuinely struggling with PTSD. But he also reminded me of how far I had come in my recovery and to remember that the brain "learns and grows" all through our lives and that our brains are very capable of "healing".

Yesterday I got a call from my sister and billie, she is big trigger and has always been controlling and a know it all and my struggle with her just goes all the way back. My parents are rapidly aging right now and in their late 80's. And my sister has been in her control mode with them and I have not even been able to hear her voice without having crippling flashbacks and emotional confusion for days.

Well, I picked up the phone because I know that any day that call could mean something bad or urgent. And her call was about how my father isn't "driving" anymore and that he failed a test to see if he could. And because I know my father is also strong minded and controlling and willful I had a suggestion. But as always, as soon as I wanted to share my ideas, my sister hung up on me. That has always been her style for as long as I have been alive, if someone dares to challenge her opinion of all knowingness, she hangs up or walks away and wont even recognize the opinion of others even if it is actually "valid and helpful".

Well, I called her back (she didn't pick up, which is also childish behavior) so I left a message. "Sister, our parents are old and declineing in health and things are going to be very hard, your unwillingness to discuss a plan is childish and has nothing to do with anyone "criticizing" you. If you want to be left alone and isolated with this issue than this avoidance practice is going to leave you alone and overwhelmed".

Well, she finally called back and I got her to listen and I "listened" to her as well. And I learned that because she "has been" so controlling and my "father is also stubborn and controlling and self absorbed" guess what, her needing to "be in charge is not going well for her".

Now billie, I am sharing this because for the first time, I didn't see her as a monster hurting me and controling me. Instead I was able to listen enough to hear that she was actually "frightened" and "losing control" and there have even been incidents of physical threats taking place between her and my father. But I also remembered that my sister tends to "disguise the truth and play the victim in her effort to maintain her sense of control". However, still, instead of my brain seeing a monster and wanting to run, I remained "calm and intent of listening so that I could get a better idea of the "real picture" of what has been going on".

Growing through and past PTSD. Well, I still have it billie and I still experience that pop up anger and urge to "flight" feeling. But, in my time in PC and listening to so many others sharing their personal struggles, through reading and researching PTSD as well as other mental health issues, through being triggered in PC, wanting to run away from PC too, and yet maintaining my identity and vowing to work through whatever comes up to challenge me, I "have" been "growing".

I have explored my own history, discovered how I defend myself and even avoid unknowingly. I have revisited the monsters of my past as well and even faced my own sense of "feeling I am not smart enough, or strong enough, or knowledgable enough, or even how other people misjudge me and why that happens". I have read so many threads in the past year of so many members that feel trapped and lost and even want to give up. So many stories of abuse, neglect, and just wanting to be loved and validated and to find a purpose or meaning to this thing called "life". And somehow on that journey I learned about what it means to "be human" and that we all, "need, lack, get hurt, struggle, struggle with self esteem, and struggle with "trust".

In that conversation with my sister, my past has always put into question "being able to trust her and not feel like a victim around her". And in my conversation yesterday, I could still see the foundation that made that happen. But this time, it was more about "trusting myself" to give myself permission to not be "the victim".

"GROWING" billie, yesterday I realized that my sister is still in that same "position" that she has always been in. However, because I have been learning, interacting, and listening and talking and opening up and getting validated and validating others and looking for solutions and opening up to "self love and being patient with myself" as I keep telling others to do. I realized that I have actually been "GROWING" while my sister has stayed the "same".

And that is why I pointed out to you (((billie))) to recognize that "yes you have a challenge with anger". But you are "paying attention to that challenge" and that is the first step towards "allowing yourself to consider growing" instead of just saying,
"I am an angry person and I don't want friends and I, I, I". It is not that you "have" these emotions, it is about "recognizing them as a challenge to you" and to be willing to see "why" these emotions are there, what made that happen in you and how can you learn to control these emotions. And I can clearly, without a doubt, say, that it IS a real challenge. However, I can also say billie, that you "can slowly" learn how to "out grow, grow past, and gain".

Open Eyes