Hi Strat Welcome to PC
I would say that you have come to a great place to learn and get support for what you're feeling and going through. I only started coming here myself last week (was it only last week!?) when my psych told me he thought I was BP and I started to research it and then found this forum.

From a very young age I have been unable to control my emotions. They were always off the chart. Rages, flipping over tables, throwing everything out of a closet onto the floor because my husband said something, absolutely raging behaviour, followed by the self-hatred, beating myself up. While I have never been one to self-harm, I have had thoughts of it in so far as wishing something would happen to me, but unable to do it myself due to feeling guilty for the people the left behind. That and the fact that I"m fairly sure I would screw it up and would still be here in the end.

I have always had the fear of abandonment that makes me flip out when someone wants to leave me. I will desperately cling to anything that will make them stay. I will say or do anything, yell scream beg threaten, everything in order for them to stay, even if I think they should leave too.

I am careening towards a major depression, have severe anxiety and am on medication for those things. I have also tried to numb the pain with alcohol and am still doing it although now it seems more frantic when I am upset versus socially drinking.

Yesterday I was told I am unfit for work and have been signed off for a couple of weeks to hopefully get a grip on my emotions. They have gone off the rails as my husband and I begin discussions about separating and issues surrounding that. The work me is very different than the personal me (which only a couple of people have ever seen/know). At work I am able to keep it together, I am strong and confident, but at times when I am home I lose it and break down into the trainwreck I am now. The problem with now is that I am unable to pull myself together enough to be effective at work and being told I am unfit makes me feel absolutely horrible.

I apologize for the horrendously long post! I want you to know you are not alone.. that there are many people here who share similar experiences and are willing to listen and offer support whenever you need it. I feel so blessed to have found this forum. It has been a lifesaver for me and I hope you will find it as useful.