Which I am, sadly.

Sorry not been around, just hard. After I post this Christina going bye-bye again for a while, doesn't matter nobody misses me.

Almost finished physiotherapy for my wrists, no more motivation to not SI .... which I'm struggling with on a day-to-day basis now, amongst other things.

Too much stress everywhere and constant reminders of what I could be doing better, who I'm letting down and how selfish I've become since I slipped this far again.

Starting T again on Wednesday, not a moment too soon.

Brain working against me, d**n cognitive distortions are trying to smother me. Wanna sleep all day or cry or scream or something to get in control of myself.

Wanna know what I did today? I laughed. At nothing, for half an hour. It was not enjoyable, it was scary and I couldn't control it.... I could have been sick if it hadn't stopped when it did.

Everybody trying to help me out, and I appreciate it but I don't know how to help myself. How do you do it?

How do I keep myself centred and not triggered or miserable or depressed? How do I keep the thoughts at bay? How do I overcome this?

I don't think I can right now. Just too hard.

Will try to take care of me