Baksaspen: Thank you for posting your experience and sharing it with me. It's a blessing in itself to know 'yes, i'm not the only one.' (as far as both BPD and alcoholism go). When you mention :

"I have this uncontrollable drive to do things and be a part, but I always stop because I feel that I am also not good enough for their group and will always be an outsider to them."

This is also me Baks. I will join a group yet feel like an outcast, blame the group and the people (rather than realizing it is my own disorder causing me to feel this way). I will then isolate and as you say, label them 'elitist'. Ugh, such an annoying paradox. I understand COMPLETELY!

Thank you again for sharing, I invite it. The more experiences I hear and read about associated with this disorder, the more I am on my way to recovery.

carmasia: "Seriously...you are describing me to a key" thank you so much. These forums are helpful already. And you know, I really do feel a part of this, dare I say, party haha! I was never one for asking for help or support, but it is SO much easier than doing this on my own. I relate to what you're saying, I seem to have trouble with relationships yep, but I crave them, and crave them to be functional and healthy... For SO long I always thought other people were the ones who were messed up, so to speak. At least now I know that the problems in my life stem from my disorders. I can work on that, so it's a start.

I have fears of abandonment horribly, and want to be healthy enough so it can release it's grip on me, or so I can at least intervene with those fears in a healthy way. It's hard. Sometimes I fall into despair that I will always be this way. That maybe I shouldn't be in relationships AT ALL. (yet I crave to be around people)...My partner keeps saying that if I seek help and support I will only continue to get better. I am grateful.

Thank you again Carmasia it is very helpful to read what you're going through. What you wrote really rings true with me, although I like I said before my self-injurious behavior revolved around drugs and alcohol. The feelings of depression I understand...they feel like a vicegrip, then spiral out of control. I always felt NO ONE understood what I felt (now I know that's not the case).

Thanks for all your support!