(trigger mentions abuse)

I am just having like a hard time with this. Understanding how thankful I am to be alive. Understanding that without my system I wouldn't be. Understanding how thankful I am for the ability of my mind to even be able to form a system.

As a child I was sold by neighbors to strangers. And I remember other kids being part of that that were kidnapped and taken away from their homes, but I got to stay and I always question "what did I do that allowed me to stay". My protectors. And when that cult tried to brainwash me, who told them no? My protectors. And when I grew up and could have chosen every crappy guy on earth, because of my self esteem, who protected me? And who stopped me from killing myself with an eating disorder? Seven years I spent in and out of inpatient units, for it to disappear overnight. When I wanted to die, who put me to sleep each and every time? I am 25 and I have never been drunk. I have never had a heart break. I have never crashed a car, or got in a fight. I've never watched somebody I love, walk away. Because they protect me from all of that. They bare all things painful.